My Infinite Realm of "Soon"

선덕여왕 was an excellent watch~ ^^ Misil is now one of, if not absolute, favorite villain! Bidam was a character I came to enjoy and pity. And of course Deokman was wonderful as the protagonist.

<3

I tried to start watching Jumong since Queen Seon Deok had left me craving 사극s but I've only gotten to episode 20 (out of 81) and I'm slowly losing interest.

I still need to finish watching Supernatural.

I also need to watch Sherlock Holmes (BBC).

AND I need to finish House M.D.

Not to mention catch up on all of my manga/anime series.

And yet all I feel is tired and apathetic instead of interested.

I'm going to read the bible and go to bed early tonight. Maybe sleep will rejuvenate me.

Needing and physically wanting to go to sleep but not wanting to either 'cause that just means that the day is simply going to start aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll over again. The same tiresome crap all over again tomorrow.

It's been too long since I've written in here. And a lot of things have happened. Or, at least, it feels like a lot has happened.


James McAvoy! <3 He's just one of those people you wish you knew in real life. And he's just such a wonderful actor. And so pretty! lol 8P


I met my dad and little brother for the first time in about 14 years last weekend.

Dad doted on me, as if he were trying to make up for lost time and lost opportunities. I'm sure he knew just as well as I did that a day and half and 5K was no where near enough to make up for 14 years of absense and upsetting childhood memories. But he tried. And I think I can love him for that.
When dad first gave me the 5K I rejected it and told him I didn't want it. But he insisted, saying that if I really thought of him as my dad I would accept it. He's right. If we had lived together, if my parents hadn't divorced, I would've asked dad for a car, for money, for so many things a long time ago. (Pretty please with a cherry on top?) But fact is he hasn't been here so how could I feel comfortable taking that money from him. In the end I did accept it. Not so much the money, but the feelings associated with it. I won't use it though, as tempting as it is; as easy as it would make everything. I'll save up for a car on my own. I'll pay my dentist bills on my own.

It's things like this that make me realize I'm not as good a person as I like to pretend I am. I tell myself that I don't resent them for making me, us, pay for their mistakes; for making family mean everything except what it's supposed to mean. I find myself thinking, "I've lived 'til now without his help so I don't need it now nor will I ever need it. I don't want his help." And that just sounds so bitter doesn't it? I wonder if I'll ever be able to go running to daddy for help like so many daughters can do...

James. 강무. He was so grown up. He seemed mature and dependable and that made me feel proud for whatever reason. I also felt a bit relieved for probably similar reasons. lol 
I wanted to say and ask so much but I didn't know how or where to start. Not that there were many chances, what with dad hovering around us. But we did talk enough to find out that we grew up in surprisingly similar circumstances. Thankfully he was spared the abuse from the step-parent. I still wanted to ask if he had been lonely. What were some of the hardest things he had to go threw while growing up? What were some of his happiest memories? How did it feel growing up with a quarter of a family; with a broken one? Did he even remember enough of me and mom to miss us? Did he ever resent our parents? What were his dreams and aspirations? Would he have answered me honestly? Could he have? Did he feel the same sense of familiarity even through the slight awkwardness? And so much more.

I told them about mom and her condition. Ah. Another thing I wanted to ask James about. He said he didn't really care if he met her or not but that can't be, can it? Well, mom didn't want to meet him at first, which pissed me off. Idc how depressed you are, how can you turn away from your own son? I felt so bad as he walked away but thankfully mom called him back about 15 minutes later. I wasn't there when they met and talked and I want to ask him about it but...Idk if he'd want to talk about it w/me....

Family is such a strange thing.

Idk. I just don't know.


Loki! <3 My poor, damaged Jotun~ Idk about the comics but I loved him in the movie. :3 I'll probably be rooting for him in the Avengers film. xP lol

I like DW. I really do but I wish they would add the option to upload photos. It kind of sucks having to upload them somewhere else and then to link it here. Especially since the pictures seem to disappear over time when linked. I'd like to start uploading gifs and images to make my posts more entertaining 'cause a block of text is never all that appealing. =T I made an account on Tumblr but I don't really feel all that comfortable writing there yet. Ah well...

Anyways, I just finished watching Tokyo Majin Gakuen Kenpuchou. The fight scenes were too short, the female characters were annoying, and the ending kind of ruined the series for me.

First, let me get this out of the way. I hate mutilation. Meaning I hate it when a character loses any part of their body. I don't know why. It's not that I'm particularly grossed out or disturbed by it but it BUGS me like no other. D8 My rating for a character may go down by half for no other reason than that they lost an arm or something. >.> Call me shallow or whatever. *shrug*

That being said Hii-chan gets his hand cut off...and then gets some other dudes hand re-attached. That's just weird. And doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of having that mark on the back of his hands? The only reasonable reason that that was necessary was 'cause the other dudes hand was supposed to have some kind of power in it.

Also, the last fight was confusing. It's like, one moment someone is pierced through with a spear and the next moment they're standing like nothing happened. I mean I know that animes sometimes treat fatal wounds like paper cuts. Even so this was a bit ridiculous. There was just no fluidity in the events. =T The other fights were short but alright. Nothing particularly fancy though.

Komaki's voice was annoying and she just seemed like a self-absorbed...brat, for decent language. Aoi was alright in the second season but she was trying to act all righteous and just ended up forcing people to protect her. If she had half a brain she should've realized her limitations or faced her fears regarding her powers before she started prattling about saving everyone. >.>

Otherwise, the series had some entertaining moments like when Hii-chan's parents were murdered by Chaos. As interesting as it would've been to see him completely lose control, I actually liked the way he managed to contain himself and handled Chaos. =) lol I loved how he won over that blond brat. It was cute how she keeps going on about marrying him. ^^ 

KyouichiroxHiyuu <3 8D I actually liked the canon pairings as well. Surprisingly. lol Idk if it was established as canon but the only pairing that I didn't support was KyouichiroxAoi. =T Meh.

...so Homurabi killed Ryuuko, exiled Shirogane from his position as king, and almost brought about the destruction of the world so that they wouldn't replace Shisui as his counterpart..? That's it? I must be missing something 'cause that's just lame. I mean the idea of it is romantic but the amount of interaction and relationship development between Homurabi and Shisui don't justify such drastic actions imo. If the mangaka had developed their relation A LOT more than maybe I'd understand and sympathize but as of now it just feels like BS. *shrug* Of course, I understand that Homurabi was also upset that the direct kings had so much power over the other kings and that such a way was outdated. Still not enough of a reason to do ALL THAT. >_>;

So when Akira 'lacked resolved' everyone was hounding on his case although it was perfectly understandable but when Shisui lacks resolve people are either understanding and patient or willing to kill and commit mutiny so that he can continue to hesitate in peace?
Akira was just turned in to a Shin, something not human, and was asked to fight to save the world by some guy he met a day ago without ever being told the entire story. His entire world was turned upside down with nothing more than a simple, "it has to be you", so I think I can understand why he'd hesitate to fight.
I also understand why Shisui finds it difficult to adopt more children. He's just really kind. Too kind, especially for a king. It's not entirely his fault but it still pisses me off. He is who is and no one can blame him for that but if he was going to do things so halfheartedly he shouldn't have accepted the position. I also blame Ryuuko for appointing someone like him as king. =T Having lived for so long you'd think he'd have better judgement. Bah.

I also dislike how all the bad guys seem to be all good and forgiven after being knocked around a little. Has anyone heard of taking consequences for your actions? How about Karma??? *fumes*

The characters power levels make no sense either. =T I can't gauge how powerful someone is in this manga. Homurabi is knocking Akira and Shirogane around like it's nothing but then he's suddenly being pressured by Aya? lol
Akira wasn't at full power since he was just awoken and Shirogane was still weak from his long exile in the world of light and is missing a component of his power. Homurabi was probably also at least a little worn out from fending off Akira and Shirogane but still... Even after putting everything into consideration, I still can't accept it was Aya who injured Homurabi like that. lol

What I did enjoy was how Akira wasn't replaced by Ryuuko when he was awakened. Akira has Ryuuko's memories and powers but he's still Akira. ^^ I also liked Shirogane and Ryuuko's relationship and Shirogane's reaction to Akira's awakening. I thought it was hearbreaking and I could understand how he'd be in denial. It made me look forward to seeing Shirogane and Akira's relationship developing. ...actually we probably won't get to see that but it's a fun idea imo. ^^

So all in all, the series was kind of disappointing. The general idea was interesting but the way the plot was executed sucked. I think more detail should've been added and fleshed out.

I love Gino. :3 The guy is absolutely hilarious. As I said in my earlier post, all of the characters are pretty awesome.
And I think I might ship Murakoshi/Tatsumi. Just a little. Koshi wanted to play w/ETU partiallymainly 'cause Tatsumi was on the team and he trusted Tatsumi could make the team big. Then he stayed on the team for 10 years even though the team was breaking apart and he was receiving offers from bigger and better teams SUPPOSEDLY due to his responsibility as the captain. But we all know it's 'cause it was the team Tatsumi was on. Kyahahahahaha! xD And THEN Tatsumi comes back and they have this chemistry going on. Tatsumi expects Koshi to understand what he's thinking all the while Koshi has this look on his face. It's like...he's thinking, "this is why. This man is why I chose to play for ETU. This is what...this is who I've been waiting for, why I sacrificed everything to stay on ETU." xD lol Maybe not all that but at least some of that was running through his head. ^^ <3~
I don't think this will be series where I will be all that into the fandom though. *shrug*
Goto/Tatsumi seems promising as well. :3 *shrug* *shrug* ... *shrug* ......*starts wiggling* 8D


*sigh* What can I say. I'm a yaoi fangirl. EVERYONE looks gay to me. *shrug* ...lmao xP

So a good old friend of mine named BiZ came to visit us Southern Cali folk from Pennsylvania for a week. It was nice seeing him again after about 2 years. But hanging out with our old group of friends made me realize how apart from the world I am, which kind of makes me happy. I am a part of Jehovah God's nation, not of the world. Although, judging by the things I've been doing...>.>;;;

I like drinking but I don't like getting drunk, not only because it is against God's laws, but because it's stupid to allow yourself to get that inebriated. I am ashamed to say I mis-judged my alcohol limit and got a bit more than tipsy. BiZ used to be against drinking as well. He even hit me once, 'cause I had a bottle of beer. =T But this Friday he got smashed. It was funny but...weird. It just reminded me that no matter how "good" someone of the world might seem, they are still apart of the world.

I was generally uncomfortable this entire weekend 'cause I had to be around a crowd of people I didn't know and I was expected to socialize with them. Dx I think that's one of the reasons why I drank so much. Drinking seemed to numb my mind and allowed me to relax a bit but it went from numbed-mind to physical pain and dizziness. Idk if it was 'cause of drinking but my shoulder was killing me. Dx I couldn't sleep at all that night 'cause my shoulder hurt so much. And let's not talk even talk about how upset my tummy was. T_T Somehow I managed to avoid regurgitating everything I ate and drank. My friend even had to drive all the way from Riverside to Diamond Bar to bring me home. >_<;; I felt so bad. I need to pay her back somehow...

But yeah. Summary: I don't like being in around large crowds of people I don't know when I'm expected to socialize with them. I would've been better off playing games and watching/reading anime/manga all weekend instead of getting myself sick with alcohol. Seeing BiZ again didn't even make up for the general unpleasantness 'cause I didn't get to talk to him much. =T The only think I enjoyed was spending time with TyTy and watching Fruits Basket...even if it was in DUB. Ugh. *shudder*

I broke down in front of my boss about a week ago. I felt so anxcious and antsy for no apparent reason, which just built up throughout the day. When she asked me what was wrong I tried to pass it off as being sleep deprived but....I've never been a good lier. =T So I ended up telling her my deepest darkest secrets.

I feel better after that rant I poured out on her.

I still feel depressed and cry randomly when I'm alone. I still think about suicide. I still feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit no one wants. I still question the worth of struggling to live through this lonely and painful existance. But I'm interested in my little hobbies again. =) And it's enough. For now, anyways.

Hey,

I dreamed of you the other night. I don't even remember what it was about but we went on an adventure. ^^ lol And we had the time of our lives~ <3

You were there for me at the darkest period of my life, although you didn't know that. It's been about 6 years since we lost touch but I still think of you and dream of you time to time. 

I guess you really don't ever forget your first love. ^^ lol I used to be skeptical of people who said things like that until I realized I was already experiencing it. Hahaha I was always a little slow regarding these matters. I've also been good at denial. ^^;;

I miss the feelings I had when you were around. I feel so lonely now. Even if I'm not loved, I wish I had someone to love.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you're happy. ^^ <3 Thank you for existing and I'm sorry I never got to say tell you this in person.

Sincerely,

Someone who loved you once upon a time